Yesterday was the first time my body, heart, soul (maybe all three) physically pulled me to the cemetery. The cemetery holding my son's body deep in its earth. The cemetery I refuse to go to.
In the 3.5 years since burying him I have been there TWICE.
I was driving by and at the last possible second I made a sharp turn into the entrance (nearly going into the ditch). It was a magnetic like force I was too weak to fight pulling me in.
I parked my car on the side of the lane and I began making my way up the steep grassy hill; carefully placing my footing between a sea of headstones. A voice kept yelling from within,”Turn around! You do not come here!".
But before I could listen to the voice...I found him.
After several years he still does not have a headstone. This is because of me and only me. I have not been able to sit down and face the finality this step represents. I have not been capable of piecing together the perfect words to sum up my baby, my love for him, his life - the words that will be his forever words.
Even without a headstone marking his place though, I can still find him. As in life, in death a mother's intuition does not fail.
As I laid in the grass, 6ft above his tiny white casket, I thought of how strange it was. The little bones now buried beneath me are the same little bones I made. They are the same little bones I grew inside of my body.
Once upon a time I thought there would come a day when one of those bones would break after a fall off of a bike or a hard hit he'd take in a football game. The one scenario never playing out in my head was that I'd be sitting above them.
I cried at this thought. Not the sobbing tears. The hot tears that slowly run down your cheeks until they silently splash to the ground.
I don't know how long I sat there reflecting on a life I expected to have vs the life I have now. It could have been minutes or hours. Eventually I rose, making my way back down the hill.
As I drove away I knew two things for certain.
One, my love for that little boy will never lessen as the years pass by.
Two, it is time to find his forever words.