"Do not compare yourself to others who seem to skip along life's path with ease. Their journey has been different than yours and I have gifted them with abundant energy.
I have gifted you with fragility. Accept this gift as a sacred treasure. Do not disguise your struggles, allow them to bless others richly."
On a day I was struggling (REALLY struggling) this was the passage in my daily devotional.
My first thought; this has to be a joke.
My head immediately tilting to the sky I say loud and clear, "You're kidding me right?".
All of these people receive abundant energy and I get to bury my son? I need to speak to the boss.
My son died. I will never fully recover. My heart will never form the shape it once did; the cracks and empty spaces will remain. My world changed the day he died. I changed the day he died; every loss parent does.
When I read the passage the question kept surfacing - WHY ME?? WHY DID THIS HAPPEN TO ME? Millions of people spend their entire life never knowing this pain. Why couldn't I have been one of them?
Slowly (VERY slowly) I realized I was asking the wrong question. The question was never “why is this happening to me?”. No, the question is, "why was I CHOSEN?".
Why was I CHOSEN? Why was I chosen to suffer this great loss as a chapter in my life? More importantly, what am I to do with it? No amount of prayers will bring him back. So how will I be used for good with circumstances I did not ask for or want? What can I do to make my son proud?
When I started seeking these answers I began to see things from a different perspective.
Maybe I was given this loss to carry so someone else would not have to. Or I was given this loss because I would be strong enough to be a voice for those without one.
Was I given this to help or save people, even if it is only one person? To give them hope, to show them they will survive although it seems impossible.
Was it because I would carryout my life with purpose? Purpose for my son. Purpose for many children taken too soon.
My loss is a part of my story. A story much bigger than I am; so much bigger I will never fully comprehend the wholeness of it while I'm here on earth. My earthly body will never understand the impact and ripple effect my son has made from Heaven.
This doesn't mean my heart has stopped aching or ever will. This doesn't mean I wouldn't give anything to hold my baby again, to hear him laugh or watch him grow.
It means my purpose in life has shifted.
I am his mom no matter where he is. On earth, in Heaven - it doesn’t change the fact we will forever be mother and son. My purpose is to still take care of him. To make sure he is remembered. To show how much he is and always will be loved.
Somedays I still catch myself asking "why me?". I am human after all.
But most days I start with, "Show me why I've been chosen. Show me my purpose as I walk this walk. Show me how I can live each day for my son and make him proud.”
You’d be surprised by what will be revealed when you start asking.